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Her Story: Understanding Her Asexual Identity

Sarah, 37: “I’ve not once enjoyed sex. Growing up, I felt flawed since everyone idealized it.”

The only topic that her partner and I have ever disagreed on is our sex life. Upon getting together nine years ago, physical intimacy was definitely something he desired on a regular basis than me. Around half a year of being together, we decided to try an open relationship so that Cameron could pursue individuals who have higher libidos than I am.

At first, there were feelings of jealousy in the beginning, but our bond was strengthened due to honest talks, and I came to feel really secure in our bond. It’s been a great benefit for our relationship, as I have never craved sex. Growing up, I believed incomplete since society at large idealized it, but I couldn’t grasped what was so great about it.

When I stumbled across literature on asexuality online recently, it was like looking in a mirror. I was shocked, since previously I considered myself a a person who enjoys sex – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I experienced a considerable number of sex when I was younger. But I believe I engaged in much of that intimacy since I experienced shame – a remnant of being a teenager in a world that teaches us you have to meet others’ expectations.

The resource revealed to me was that being asexual is a wide range. For example, I lack sexual desire, including towards people who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I enjoy how they look, but I don’t want to have sex with them. But I do like having orgasms. For me, it’s pleasurable and it provides relief – a method to empty the mental clutter upstairs.

It was very freeing to share with my partner that I am asexual. He accepts it. We do still engage in intimacy, because I feel deep connection and bonding with him during those moments, and I am choosing intentionally when I feel the need to be close to him physically. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but I have different motivations to be intimate, for example seeking connection. I notice his satisfaction, and that gives me pleasure. Similarly that an individual who is not asexual can opt to refrain from sex, I can decide to have sex for different purposes than being turned on.

Cameron's Viewpoint: Love Outside of Physical Intimacy

A 36-year-old man: “Just because sex isn’t central does not imply that love isn’t.”

Sex was once extremely significant to me. It’s where I got a lot of my self-esteem. I was unwell and hospitalized frequently in my youth, so intimacy evolved into a practice that I thought provided empowerment with my physical self. This began to really change after meeting my partner, since sex wasn’t the central focus for us.

Alongside her, I started to recognize more value in different aspects of myself, and it shifted focus away from sex. I do not wish to engage sexually with anyone else currently. Should I have like having sex, there are different approaches to address it. Self-pleasure is a possibility, but it can also be going for a stroll, thinking about what’s on my mind or watercolour painting.

When Sarah discovered this part of herself, I started to understand that attraction is primarily about shared feelings. It can happen via physical intimacy, but as well as through other methods that are just as valuable and gratifying. I previously held a specific idea of what asexuality was – if sex was absent, you didn’t ever have sexual feelings. But it’s a spectrum, and it requires patience to figure out where you stand on it.

We’ve been together for nine years, and simply because sex isn’t a priority is not a sign that love is lacking. Setting aside dedicated moments for that is very important for us. Occasionally we work on creative projects and assemble them in small portions every morning, which seems really intimate. Alternatively we enjoy a date night and venture out for a special beverage and a meal. We snuggle and make plans for the future, which is an act of love. I experience a lot of pleasure from cooking for other people, and it makes me really happy in a similar way to afterglow of sex.

Sarah’s asexuality has just expanded the understanding of what our relationship means. It is similar to constraining the tools you have for your relationship – it forces you to think innovatively using available means. It pushes you to reflect from new angles. But it never reduced the affection that I feel for my partner whatsoever.