Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
